I finally could not take it anymore. My fatigue issues just lasted too long. It has been since childhood, something hereditary, cursed genes from my maternal side. Poor thing, she alone can relate to the struggle. Usually after my mom and I discuss our frustrations with this unresolved medical issue, we both just want to take a nap! After years of dealing with being tired, I took matters into my own hands.
The decision was perfectly understandable (at least in my not so humble opinion). The doctor said there was no more she could do; she had tried everything she could. Not only that, I have friends in my sphere who live like jack rabbits on heroine which adds to my frustrations because they make me tired just talking to them, much less trying to keep their pace. My life may be taking a new direction which will involve energy, a lot of energy, too much energy. I wish I could take a nap right now since I am worn out from thinking about it. So, I did the only logical course considering my situation: I drank caffeine.
Side note here: I am allergic to caffeine. That’s right, you coffee-addicts, I can’t even stand to be within blocks of a Starbucks for the smell itself makes me nauseated. I could never do that cool thing of hanging at a coffee house listening to music for it would make me sick, literally, and my quaint flavored water just did not help me stay awake.
Out of desperation, I put the water down and tried something new. I was tired of being tired. I prayed for healing. I sought medical help. I read articles. I tried some strange herbs and other alternative methods. (Some of them were weird, weird, weird. Did I mention weird?) Nothing worked. So, I decided to try what 99.9% of other Americans do to give themselves a “pick-me up”. I turned to caffeine.
I wanted to make the caffeine leap with baby steps so I did not drink coffee. It was an all–natural tea, seemingly nothing to worry about. That is until about twenty minutes after consumption. My head began throbbing. My arms began shaking. My stomach did flip-flops. I went into all-out food poisoning and spent hours regretting that one small glass of caffeinated tea. (If the tea is so natural, then why is my body acting so unnaturally?)
As the food poisoning took its course, the bathroom became my habitat. I was miserable. I was not only in bad condition physically but emotionally as well. I just wanted to feel normal. I desired to have one day to not be overwhelmed to finish tasks, to get work done without a needed nap, to start and finish a whole project, to… You get the picture. Instead, I was hanging in my bathroom.
While bonding with the porcelain throne, God spoke to me. I am amazed He speaks but much less when I am in the bathroom. I guess He knew He had my undivided attention at that moment. I felt Him say, “Why don’t you just accept your limitations?” Tears came to my eyes, while a verse flooded my heart:
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.
(2 Corinthians 12:9b)
Then, I began to speak to myself in third person. Why? I have no idea, but sometimes it helps me process. Plus, who else can you process with when you are in the bathroom? Shannon, why don’t you just accept your fatigue? Why are you trying to fix it? God has allowed that into your life. He ordained it for you. Maybe, like Paul, the weakness is for your good:
To keep me from becoming conceited…there was given me a thorn in my flesh a messenger of Satan, to torment me.
(2 Corinthians 12:7a, c)
Could it be that the weakness, the one thing I hate, the one part of me physically that has plagued me from childhood, which has seemed to limit me so much in terms of “accomplishments”, may be the one thing that has saved me? Is it possible that fatigue protected me from the worse part of myself? What if it were not given to me? What if I had been a jackrabbit on heroine myself? Would my energized to-do lists actually only have served to drive me away from God instead of to Him? Paul understood that the weakness left, the weakness not removed, actually enabled him to gain, not lose, life.
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest in me. That is why, for Christi’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
(2 Corinthians 12:9b-10)
In the bathroom, I realized my fatigue was not an issue in need of a remedy but a place to find grace. That grace mixes with my weakness and produces the power of God at work in and through me. I had tried to settle with so much less with my caffeinated tea mix (which tasted horribly, by the way). In my desire for a solution, I had missed the grace.
Weaknesses can come in multiple ways: physically, emotionally, intellectually, relationally, or circumstantially. What is that part of your life you wish you could change? How have you been attempting to “fix” it? Could it be that God is saying, “Why don’t you just accept your limitations?” He wants to extend grace, right there, to that weakness. We may never know how that weakness possibly saved us. However, we can know His power in that place. For with Him, our weakness becomes the place of grace. Caffeine cannot make that kind of promise! And neither can any of your “so-called” solutions. Accept the weakness. Accept the grace, even if it is found in the bathroom!